


New Age Romancing

by clarewithnoi



Series: Texting Fics, Yeet [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, F/M, James is a bumbling moron but we love him, Jewish!Lily, Jilytober 2020, american person tries to write English slang based on distant memories of living in England, except it's late lol, intense and consistent sarcasm, jily, texting au, texting au's give me much needed serotonin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:09:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27485545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clarewithnoi/pseuds/clarewithnoi
Summary: "Sirius: ok what’s this about u being in loveJames: Padfoot she’s AMAZINGJames: most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen in my life I swearJames: like she could kick me in the throat and I’d thank her tbhSirius: as would IJames: … rude??"OR James Potter Surgically Removes Foot From Mouth to Try and Talk to Pretty Girl, More at Seven
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Marauders & Lily Evans Potter, Marauders & Marauders, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin & Peter Pettigrew & James Potter
Series: Texting Fics, Yeet [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2008534
Comments: 71
Kudos: 100





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> another texting AU! this time long-form! multi-chapter! what a revelation!
> 
> enjoy :)
> 
> (excuse any formatting issues, AO3 has it out for me sometimes lol)

**Sirius Black to Prongsie:** hey do u have notes from the physio lecture

 **James Potter to Paddiest of Foot:** I am in love

 **Sirius:** ok cool but do u have the notes

 **Sirius:** I overslept

 **James:** Padfoot??? I am in LOVE over here???

 **James:** are u rlly going to ignore that to ask me about notes???

 **Sirius:** I think we’re gna have a quiz on Tueday

 **James:** I hate u

 **James:** I still don’t know why you’re taking a Physiology course? You’re studying English???

 **Sirius:** irrelevant

 **James:** _Attachment: 1 Document_

 **Sirius** : cheeeeeeers

**Sirius Black to Prongsie:** ok now what’s this about u being in love

 **James Potter to Paddiest of Foot:** FINALLY

 **James:** Padfoot she’s AMAZING

 **James:** most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen in my life I swear

 **James:** like she could kick me in the throat and I’d thank her tbh

 **Sirius:** as would I

 **James: …** rude??

**Sirius Black to Prongsie:** idk who this girl is but if the first thing u can think of to describe her is that she could kick u in the throat

 **Sirius:** I like her

 **Sirius:** alright then have at it, how’d u meet

 **James Potter to Paddiest of Foot:** alright so I’m in my genetics lecture

 **James:** and bloody Sniv raises his hand and starts like…. trying to justify eugenics

 **Sirius:** wtf

 **James:** I KNOW MATE

 **James:** like calm down Viktor Brack

 **Sirius: …** wot

 **James:** he was a nazi eugenicist

 **Sirius:** pity to your search history rn

 **James:** ANYWAY

 **James:** he starts going on, and the professor is kind of like wtf cos who brings up Eugenics in a non-history uni course and also who just does that in general

 **Sirius:** I mean isn’t he … kind of a neo nazi

 **James:** WELL APPARENTLY

 **James:** so this girl (please imagine as many heart eyes here as u can)

 **Sirius:** I’ll do nothing of the sort but thx

 **James:** so this girl raises her hand once he finishes, and he honestly looked excited for her to talk so I got a bit worried that she was gunna spew some right shit

 **James:** but instead she turns straight to him once she’s called on and goes “yknow Snape the third reich actually fell out about seventy five years ago so I don’t really think they’re taking any new members at present”

 **Sirius:** holy shit

 **James:** when I tell u he went PAAAAAAALE

 **Sirius:** like somehow more than usual?

 **Sirius:** he must have been downright transparent, what’d he have for lunch

 **James:** but wait there’s MORE

 **Sirius:** oh goodie

 **James:** the prof goes “yes thank you miss…” and she goes “well it’s Evans, but my mother’s name is” (DRAMATIC PAUSE AND SHE LITERALLY GLARES AT SNIVELLUS) “cohen”

 **James:** so in summary:

 **James:** she is JEWISH and this prick was literally using NAZI RHETORIC IN FRONT OF HER and she OBLITERATED HIM and I AM IN LOVE WITH HER

 **James:** but I had another lecture and she stayed behind to talk to the professor, I couldn’t go and talk to her!!!

 **James:** and canvas only has her school email

 **Sirius:** first of all

 **Sirius:** u stalked her on canvas. read those words aloud to urself at least 3 times and let the gravity of that sink in

 **Sirius:** second of all

 **Sirius:** would this perchance be Lily Evans?

 **Sirius:** red hair

 **Sirius:** short

 **Sirius:** arguable anger management problems

 **James Potter disliked Sirius Black’s Message:** _arguable anger management problems_

 **James:** YOU KNOW HER??

 **Sirius:** well I've not made her acquaintance myself but

 **Sirius:** she’s biomedical engineering with Remus

 **Sirius:** and they go to Hillel together

 **Sirius:** they’re friends

 **James:** this is massive news

 **Sirius:** this is literally not news

 **Sirius:** they have a study date like every 2 weeks I have no idea how you’ve managed to not know this

 **James:** you’d be surprised at the things I’ve managed to not know

 **Sirius:** ooh, a self-burn, those are rare

**James Potter to _The (And I Cannot Stress This Enough) Marauders:_** MOONY you’ve got to introduce me to Lily Evans

 **Remus:** absolutely not

 **James:** WHY NOT!!!!!

 **Peter:** how have u not met Evans already she brings round brownies like every other wknd

 **James:** WTF??

 **Sirius:** lads go easy on him

 **Sirius:** he’s headed too many footballs, the poor dear is quite dull

 **James:** fuck off padfoot ur just mad I have the best aim off my head

 **Sirius:** that’s because it’s abnormally flat

 **Sirius:** like slapping a football with a cricket bat

 **Sirius:** McGonagall almost made u wear 1 of those baby helmets for the entire off season

 **James:** that is a lie I know she would never trust u with that kind of info

 **Sirius:** she has no reason not 2 trust me. I am a fantastic striker and my head has no visible dents. already ahead of u on one count

 **James:** this feels like another conversation about eugenics and I don’t like it

 **Remus:** sorry there’s /already/ been a conversation about eugenics??

 **James:** this is not at all helping my cause

 **Peter:** what even is ur cause I’m so lost rn

 **James:** MOONY NEEDS TO INTRODUCE ME TO EVANS SO I CAN WOO HER

 **Remus:** answer is still no

 **James:** WHYYYYY

 **Remus:** I have so precious few sane people left in my life, do u really mean to take one away from me by terrorizing her

 **Sirius:** um ouch?

 **James:** REMUS LUPIN

 **James:** I am so offended u would think that I would terrorize her?!!?

 **Remus:** well, gee, let’s see:

 **Remus:** did you plan on professing your love for her in a public place

 **Remus:** possibly in song

 **James:** well not at FIRST

 **Sirius:** christ

 **Peter:** seriously how have u not met her she’s at the flat like …. nearly every Saturday morning

 **James:** pete have u somehow managed to miss that I’m captain of the football team

 **Peter:** no

 **James:** has it escaped u for the past two yrs that the football team has practice every Saturday during the season from 8 til 12 and morning lifts during the off season

 **Peter: …** no

 **James:** well then

 **Sirius:** ok peter’s virtual lobotomy aside

 **Sirius:** moony I’d say hand the number over, he’s going to be insufferable otherwise

 **Remus:** I’d like to still be friends with her!!! thanks!!!

 **James:** strawman argument

 **James:** u can absolutely still be friends w her AND give me her number

 **James:** I’ll just say hi anyway

 **James:** I promise nothing creepy

 **Remus:** a bit miffed at ur mum for teaching u the proper usage of ‘strawman argument’

 **Remus:** almost wins me over

 **Sirius:** Euphemia Potter, Barrister Extraordinaire

 **James:** listen Moony I just want to tell her how impressed I am with her dressing down of Sniv in lecture today

 **Sirius: …** and possibly propose marriage and run thru some tester baby names

 **James:** not HELPING PADFOOT 

**Remus:** ah so u witnessed the Snape ordeal

 **James:** u know about it??

 **Remus:** she and I talk about him occasionally. all I know is that she’s known him for a while and has ample reason to hate him

 **Sirius:** don’t we all

 **James:** Moony PLS

 **Remus:** god FINE

**Remus Lupin to Prongs:** _Attachment: 1 Contact: Lily Evans_

 **James Potter to Moony (ICE):** I love u very much

 **Remus:** for the love of god be normal

 **James:** when am I not normal???

 **Remus:** I’m really not going to answer that

**James Potter to Lily Evans:** Hi Lily, this is James Potter, I’m a friend of Remus Lupin’s and you and I have Genetics together – I asked Remus for your number so I could tell you that I thought what you said to Snape today was so great, he absolutely needs to be torn down a few pegs, especially with the weird shit he was on about. Anyway, just wanted to reach out 

**James:** LMK if you ever want to study genetics tg sometime

 **Lily Evans to Unknown Number:** um, oh wow

 **Lily:** thanks – I’m surprised we haven’t met, Remus has mentioned his flatmates a few times and I’m over at yours regularly for a BME study group

 **Lily:** but yeah, thanks again. don’t really tolerate that Nazi shit he spews, no matter how he tries to spin it

 **James:** right of course, I heard you and Remus sometimes go to Hillel together

 **Lily:** um

 **Lily:** yeah

 **Lily:** but I more meant in the sense of generally nazis aren’t cool or acceptable

 **Lily:** my Jewishness notwithstanding

 **James:** oh my god no wait

 **James:** yes of course

 **James:** obviously, nazis are definitely not cool or acceptable even if you aren’t Jewish

 **James:** not sure why I said ‘even’ just then

 **James:** that sounds a bit weird

 **James:** this is not going well

 **Lily:** lol right

 **Lily:** well, thanks again

 **Lily:** I’m sure we’ll see each other around in lecture, just wave to me or something I guess, I’m the one with the red hair

 **James:** yep absolutely

 **James:** I’ve got glasses

 **James:** well I’m sure a lot of people in class have glasses, don’t really know haven’t checked

 **James:** but if there’s a bloke waving to you with glasses on next lecture, it might be me

 **James:** depending on how many blokes with glasses there are and/or their general disposition that day

 **Lily:**... right

**James Potter to Moony (ICE):** I am a fucking moron

 **James:** _Attachment: 2 Images_

 **Remus Lupin to Prongs:** oh my god

 **Remus:** you had actually one job, like a singular task

 **Remus:** ok well I’ll see u later I have to make a trip to the shops

 **James:**???? why???

 **Remus:** because I’m going to need ingredients to bake her a fucking apology cake for giving you her number

**Lily Evans to _Bob Ross Enthusiasts_ : ** _Attachment: 2 Images_

 **Lily:** lol wtf is this convo

 **Marlene:** um wot lmfao

 **Dorcas:** AHAHAHAHA WHAT

 **Mary:** jfc who is this person

 **Alice:** oh god wow he really stuck his foot in it, poor guy

 **Marlene:** omg of course james potter would be like this

 **Dorcas:** ^^^

 **Mary:** u two know him???

 **Lily Evans Emphasized Mary MacDonald’s Message:** _u two know him???_

 **Marlene:** he’s the captain of the men’s footy team, we have practices back-to-back on the training pitch on saturdays

 **Marlene:** plus Dorcas likes to terrorize him & Sirius Black if we see them during lifts

 **Dorcas:** I can out squat the both of those idiots

 **Mary:** lmao love that for u

 **Dorcas:** n yeah I’ve known him and Black forever, used to see them at the ol’ blue-blood parties n whatnot

 **Alice:** ah, high society

 **Lily:** lol sometimes I forget ur posh

 **Dorcas:** yes well when u only interact with tories for ur entire youth u kind of want to keep it on the low

 **Mary:** thank god ur not a tory

 **Dorcas:** mary I’m a black gay woman studying art history who also plays football

 **Dorcas:** I literally could not be less of a tory if I catapulted David Cameron into the Thames

 **Lily:** yes but u would be an absolute legend if u did

 **Lily:** wait

 **Lily:** is Potter a TORY??

 **Alice:** get out now

 **Dorcas:** NO NO god no he isn’t, neither is Sirius somehow lol he is literally from the Very Ancient Black Family

 **Mary:** omg bRUTAL

 **Marlene:** I don’t believe it

 **Marlene:** he’s too attractive to be inbred

 **Lily:** MARLY

 **Marlene:** I’m just saying

 **Marlene:** anyway Potter’s an alright bloke, bit of a Lad™ sometimes but generally harmless I think

 **Dorcas:** agree

 **Dorcas:** apparently the least eloquent person in the history of the world tho, good 2 know

 **Alice:** I’ll ask frank if he knows him! He probably does, the rowing & football teams hang round each other a lot

 **Lily:** this is really not that big a deal

 **Dorcas:** I mean he was like v obviously attempting to chat u up lol

 **Marlene:** attempting being the operative word

 **Lily:** maybe he just very passionately objects to eugenics discourse

 **Mary:** I think we’re all certain that study invite was more anatomy than genetics ;)

 **Alice:** LOL mary

 **Dorcas:** pls stop

 **Lily Evans Emphasized Dorcas Meadowes’s Message:** _pls stop_

 **Mary:** omg I just looked him up on Instagram he’s CUTE

 **Mary:** _Attachment: 1 Image_

 **Alice:** aw he is handsome!

 **Dorcas:** he’s symmetrical ig

 **Marlene McKinnon Laughed at Dorcas Meadowes’s Message:** _he’s symmetrical ig_

 **Lily:** omg

 **Lily:** wait THAT is James Potter??

 **Marlene:** why, u know him?

 **Lily:** no but also kind of ?

 **Alice Fortescue Questioned Lily Evans’s Message:** _no but also kind of ?_

 **Lily:** sev used to complain about some guys harassing him n stuff during freshers week, like taking his towel from the bathroom while he was in the shower & stealing his things n whatnot

 **Lily:** I never got a name or anything but he pointed them out one time, when we were still friends and I’d hang out w him at his flat

 **Lily:** it was James and this other guy with long hair

 **Dorcas:** yoooooo

 **Dorcas:** that’d be Sirius

 **Mary:** does it matter tho Lily? snape is like a full white nationalist and also a fucking stalker

 **Alice:** he is pretty awful

 **Lily:** no yeah I’m not saying I hate the guy for it, but freshers was before sev was into all of this shit, when he was still my friend and not a fucking psychopath

 **Marlene:** jury’s still out on whether he wasn’t already a psychopath

 **Dorcas:** OOOOF

 **Lily:** marly

 **Marlene:** js

 **Lily:** … fair

 **Lily:** just informs me about his character a little bit yknow? Like it was the first week here and he and his mate were terrorizing someone they didn’t even know lol

 **Alice:** yeah sounds a bit dodgy off the bat, but that was last year! maybe they’ve both grown up and seen the errors of their ways etc etc

 **Mary:** GOD what is it like to be an optimist like u Alice

 **Mary:** is Here Comes The Sun just constantly on loop in your head or smth

 **Alice:** I’m taking that as a compliment~~

 **Mary:** u would

 **Mary:** u bloody optimist

 **Dorcas:** tbh I get where ur coming from, he definitely has prat tendencies

 **Dorcas:** but

 **Dorcas:** if the thing that drove him to be so bewitched by u was u loudly tearing Severus Snape a new arsehole about being a literal fucking Nazi

 **Dorcas:** gotta admit that’s a personality point for him

 **Marlene:** or it could have just been him witnessing your fit arse when u got up from lecture

 **Marlene:** I saw what jeans u wore today u ginger minx ;)))))

 **Lily:** oh my god

 **Mary:** u do have a great arse!

 **Lily:** I love u bitches

 **Lily:** but also I’m exiting this situation and will be studying biomechanics until my eyes bleed

 **Dorcas:** sounds like a fuckin rager

**Sirius Black to _The One We Have To Deal With Prongs:_** is he still lying face down on his bed and blasting Frank Ocean

 **Peter:** I think Godspeed is on loop

 **Sirius:** JESUS

 **Remus:** to be fair, it was either this or Lewis Capaldi

 **Remus: …** it was a really embarrassing conversation

 **Sirius:** I’m going to commit seppuku

 **Peter:** isn’t that that numbers crossword

 **Sirius:** that is it I’m dropping out and moving to the French riviera

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> end of ch. 1! 
> 
> and happy election to my fellow Americans! thank god, am I right. speaking of, I did live in England for a while and that's how I've formed my political opinions on tories lmao so soz if that offends
> 
> pls leave a comment, drop a favorite line, recommend me some Jily fics!
> 
> thanks for reading <3


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily goes to cokeworth. James redeems himself. Sirius wants some peace and quiet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol, me coming back to wholesome texting fics after posting Very Explicit Smut
> 
> (heyyyy, how y'all doin...)
> 
> Enjoy! :)

**Marlene McKinnon to LilyBean:** hey babe, how are u doing

 **Marlene:** obvi I didn’t hear the full conversation

 **Marlene:** but either way Petunia’s a cow and pathologically wrong about everything

 **Lily Evans to Marlene the Dancing Queen:** lol was I being that loud on the phone

 **Lily:** Mar she’s just like… awful for no reason

 **Lily:** like I know money’s tight for mum & dad

 **Lily:** why does she think I work so much in the lab lol???

 **Marlene:** she’s just jealous ur actually doing smth with ur life, honestly

 **Marlene:** other than popping out babies and vacuuming

 **Lily:** hey

 **Lily:** feminism is about choice

 **Lily:** just cos she wants to be a housewife doesn’t mean her choice is less valid than mine

 **Lily: …** it’s less valid cos she’s doing it with Vernon “Snaps Fingers At Waitstaff” Dursley

 **Marlene:** feminism rules Do Not Apply to ur sister cos she’s not a woman

 **Marlene:** she’s a number 2 pencil with vocal cords

 **Lily:** lmao

 **Lily:** god

 **Lily:** I have to go back to cokeworth for a few days so I’ll have to see her

 **Lily:** it’s her fucking engagement party and apparently there’s like 5000 prerequisite events I need to be at

 **Marlene:** for an engagement party???

 **Marlene:** I thought that was just for the wedding

 **Lily:** rookie mistake there, applying logic to something Tuney’s done

 **Lily:** I guess I have to go to the ceremonious post-engagement Removal of Chastity Belt or whatever the fuck

 **Marlene:** ew

 **Lily:** also I make no promises that I will not beat the shit out of her fiancé

 **Lily:** he’s a fucking atrocity

 **Marlene:**...and our best wishes to the happy couple!

**Lily Evans to _Why Did They Change the Hosts on Bake-Off:_** alr ladies, I’m off

 **Lily:** just got on the train for Cokeworth god help me

 **Mary:** get off at the first stop and make a break for it

 **Mary:** I’ll tell ur family u were kidnapped by vagabonds

 **Dorcas Meadowes disliked Mary MacDonald’s Message:** _I’ll tell ur family u were kidnapped by vagabonds_

 **Dorcas:** Mary that’s ludicrous

 **Dorcas:** ‘vagabond’ is far too vague a description

 **Dorcas:** ‘travelling aquatic circus troupe’ is much more believable

 **Alice:** best of luck babe <3 pls send updates when u can, I’ll take notes for u in Cell and Tissue lab!!

 **Alice:** ur back Thursday, right?

 **Lily Evans loved Alice Fortescue’s Message:** _best of luck babe <3 pls send updates when u can, I’ll take notes for u in Cell and Tissue lab!!_

 **Lily:** Alice u have been sent by the Gods

 **Lily:** Yes I am!! Only missing a few lectures thank god

 **Lily:** and Sprout’s been benevolent enough to actually give me time off without threat of termination

 **Marlene:** she prob figures Pet’s engagement party is punishment enough

 **Dorcas:** I’d take the gallows any day over that evening

 **Mary:** I’ll also take gallows thx

 **Lily:** this is all so very helpful thank u

 **Marlene:** I do hope you’ve got a will and testament stashed somewhere in ur bedroom

 **Marlene:** just for precaution’s sake

 **Lily:** ALRIGHT THEN TALK LATER

 **Dorcas:** remember not to take candy from strangers

 **Mary:** except if they’re rich and it’s expensive candy

 **Alice:** Mary no oh my god????

 **Mary:** I’m js I’d risk it all for a Toblerone

 **Dorcas:** seems reasonable

 **Marlene:** ffs I’m muting this

**Lily Evans to Remus!!:** ugh hey sorry I’ve been so AWOL lately!

 **Remus Lupin to Lily Evans:** oh god no you don’t have any reason to apologize

 **Remus:** in fact /I/ am the one that needs to apologize!! This is all my fault

 **Lily:** what

 **Lily: …** did u set my sister up with her fiancé or something

 **Remus:** um, no?

 **Remus:**???

 **Remus:** I meant about james being a complete knob the other day, I feel so bad about giving him your number really but he told me he wasn’t going to be creepy and to be frank I think the reason I believed him was because of undiagnosed Stockholm Syndrome

 **Lily:** this is so much to unpack

 **Lily:** first of all LOL ur absolutely fine remus he really wasn’t that bad

 **Lily:** second of all I’ve just been AWOL because I’m currently in cokeworth where my family lives, I completely forgot we had a study group planned

 **Remus:** oh god I feel worse somehow

 **Remus:** is everything ok?? I hope your family’s alright, if you need me to leave u alone to be with them I totally get it

 **Lily:** everything’s fine!!

 **Lily:** u have really got the whole Jewish Guilt thing down quite well, must say

 **Remus:** you’re not the first person to tell me that

 **Lily:** It’s just my sister’s engagement party is tomorrow, and I was recruited by her to run around cokeworth and buy out the entire village’s supply of flowers

 **Lily:** and then arrange them and the tables

 **Lily:** and otherwise be uncompensated for manual labor

 **Remus:** yikes

 **Lily:** I know

 **Lily:** people with shitty sisters need to be unionized

 **Remus:** although I can’t relate I’d sign that petition

 **Lily:** I can always count on u <3

 **Remus:** do you want the notes from biochem lab btw? The report isn’t going to be too difficult, finished the procedure early

 **Lily:** ugh oh my god YES ur a gem that’d be brill

 **Lily:** saves me from having to ask snape lol

 **Remus:** anything to keep that from happening, I support it

 **Lily:** I’ll drink to that!

 **Remus:** by the sound of it, you’ll drink to most things right about now

 **Lily:** I’ll drink to that!

**James Potter to _The (And If I Do Say So Myself) Marauders:_** oh my god Lily wasn’t in lecture today

 **James:** what have I done

 **James:** is she too horrified by me to even show up now oh my GOD

 **Sirius:** well, I think the answer is simple

 **Sirius:** you’ve managed to scare her off from academia entirely

 **Sirius:** she’s clearly realized her genetics class is full of twats and has given up the sciences altogether as a result

 **Remus:** does it amuse you to be this unhelpful

 **Sirius:** it helps stave off the sting of abandonment from my family if u must ask

 **Sirius:** I am woe but a miserable pauper, clutching fruitlessly to the few smiles I can muster as I meander through my solitude

 **Peter:** is this what they teach English majors

 **Sirius:** short answer is yes

 **Remus:** I hate you

 **Sirius:** so do my parents

 **James:** OH MY GOD

 **Remus:** Sirius’s intensive and pressing need for therapy aside

 **Sirius:** ah yes, brush it under the rug, just like mummy used to do

 **Remus:** /ASIDE/

 **Remus:** Lily’s in cokeworth with her family

 **James:** oh shit is she ok? Is her family ok?

 **Remus:** lol conflicting questions

 **Remus:** short answer is she’s fine, her sister’s engagement party is tomorrow and she had to go back for that

 **Peter:** oh that sounds nice

 **Remus:** would be, if her sister wasn’t so… brusque

 **Sirius:** lads I think he tried to swear just then

 **James:** a scathing indictment from Moony

 **James:** ‘brusque’

 **Sirius:** b r u s q u e

 **Peter:** the more I look at it the more I want to pronounce it brew-skee

 **Sirius:** wormy m8 u might be onto something here

 **Remus:** not actually sure why I tell u lot anything at this point

 **Sirius:** cos u love us <3 <3 <3

 **James Potter emphasized Sirius Black’s Message:** _cos you love us <3 <3 <3 _

**Remus:** hm

 **James:** as long as she’s alright tho

 **James:** was planning on waving at her

 **Sirius:** luckily that’s the sort of thing one can reschedule

 **Sirius:** and seeing as u have a class together, u will probably have other opportunities

 **Sirius:** may want to practice between now and then tho, lest u forget how to do it

 **James:** I’d tone down the cheek if u want me to bring u anything from the bakery on my way back from the gym

 **Sirius:** MY CROISSANT

 **Sirius:** I TAKE IT ALL BACK

**Lily Evans to Mary MacDonald (no farm):** what kind of person accuses the teller at the grocery of trying to swindle them

 **Lily:** cos the prices for cream cheese went up without their knowing????

 **Mary MacDonald to Lily (not of the valley):** this is a very specific question

 **Mary:** but idk like a serial killer probably

 **Mary:** or jeff bezos??? rlly not sure

 **Lily:** probably right

 **Lily:** but u know who ELSE??

 **Lily:** VERNON FUCKING DURSLEY

 **Mary:** christ on a stick

 **Lily:** ur studying law, is this justification for murder

 **Mary:** as much as I wish I could say yes

 **Mary:** unfortunately not

 **Lily:** well fuck me I guess

**Remus Luping to Padfoot:** hey mate

 **Remus:** I know we were joking around in the chat and all

 **Remus:** but you’re alright, aren’t you?

 **Remus:** like you’d say if you were feeling bad about your family

 **Sirius Black to Moonerz:** yeah mate, all good fun I promise

 **Sirius:** James’s mum n dad r more like a mum n dad than mine ever were

 **Remus:** still tho

 **Remus:** you’re allowed to be upset

 **Sirius:** yeah

 **Sirius:** no need for worry tho moony, I’m right as rain

 **Sirius:** I solemnly swear n all that

 **Remus:** hmmmkay

 **Sirius:** speaking of

 **Sirius:** I’m gna go and pick up the groceries today, the pollen level’s absolutely ungodly n I don’t want u going out in that with ur immune system and ur allergies

 **Sirius:** I’ll be back round 5, maybe quarter past

 **Remus:** … cheers mate, really appreciate it

 **Sirius:** course

 **Sirius:** ur the only one who can cook, can’t have u bedridden ;)

 **Remus:** I feel used but I can’t disagree with u

**Emmeline Vance to Lily Evans (genetics):** Hey Lily! I’m so sorry, I know I said I’d get you the notes and the slides from lecture today, but my cat god really sick so I couldn’t make it to class :( I can ask around for u tho!

 **Lily Evans to Emmeline Vance:** oh hey! Yeah no worries, I’m so sorry about your cat though!! I hope it feels better omg

 **Emmeline:** snuffles will make a full recovery thank god, no more vomiting mucus <3

 **Lily: …** right

 **Lily:** Hmm I think there are a few other people I can ask, but if I can’t get any I’ll let you know!

 **Lily:** thanks for texting either way tho!

 **Emmeline:** of course! See you next lecture :)

**James Potter to Paddiest of Foot:** I need to find a way to convince Lily I’m not a complete prick

 **Sirius Black to Prongsie:** yeah I’d say so, mostly because I CANNOT spend another night listening to u try and harmonize with Frank Ocean

 **James:** u love Frank don’t even talk like that

 **Sirius:** yeah, he isn’t rlly the person I have a problem with in this scenario

 **James:** rude

 **James:** ugh Padfoot can u tell her I’m a normal person, I don’t think I can face her again

 **James:** and Moony refuses to talk about her with me anymore :(

 **Sirius:** what am I, the town crier

 **Sirius:** tell her urself

 **Sirius:** also I literally know her less than u do?? how would u even expect that to work, like

 **James:** idk I’m desperate

 **Sirius:** that could be the title of ur memoir

 **James:** ok u know what, I’m going to talk to u once u have had ur coffee

 **James:** ur a fuckin menace without it, did u know that

 **Sirius:** proudly

**Lily Evans to _Why Did They Change the Hosts on Bake-Off:_** three days in and still alive somehow

 **Dorcas:** aaaand the crowd goes wild!!

 **Mary:** surprised but also happy for u

 **Marlene:** and cokeworth hasn’t been burned to the ground, so I’d call this a rousing success

 **Alice:** glad to hear it babe <3 and Frank says hi btw!

 **Lily:** hi frank!!! I miss u and ur constant supply of cup noodles

 **Alice:** lol he says he misses u too and will give me some to give u when u get back

 **Marlene:** Dorcas the str8s are at it again

 **Dorcas:** pack it up Brangelina we’ve not got time for ur affections

 **Dorcas:** Lily the real pressing matter is what did she make u wear to the party

 **Dorcas:** cos I KNOW she wasn’t gna let u pick out ur own outfit

 **Lily:** ……sometimes I regret having introduced u all to her

 **Marlene:** FUCKING A LOLLLLL I KNEW IT

 **Dorcas:** we need pictures, STAT

 **Marlene:** ^^

 **Lily:** don’t do this 2 me

 **Alice:** I’m sure you looked beautiful no matter what!

 **Mary:** I’m not sure of that at all but I still want to see

 **Lily:** ugh fine, fuck u all

 **Lily:** not u alice

 **Lily:** _Attachment: 1 Image_

**Dorcas Meadowes to Angry Scottish One:** oh my god it’s a fucking travesty

 **Mary MacDonald to Dorca$$:** ffs she looks like a loofah

**Marlene McKinnon to Mary Queen of Scots:** HELPADJGKHSKJSJKS

 **Marlene:** I CAN’T STOP LAUGHING AT IT

 **Marlene:** SHE’S DROWNING IN TUILLE SOMEONE HELP HER SHE’S BUT A LOWLY REDHEAD WITH BIG DREAMS

 **Mary MacDonald to Marleeeeene:** I am. Fucking. Crying.

 **Mary:** we HAVE TO BE SUPPORTIVE

 **Mary:** she’s no doubt on the emotional brink as it is

 **Marlene:** ugh FINE

**Alice Fortescue to Dorcas <3: **be NICE

 **Dorcas Meadowes to Alice <3: **FINE

**Dorcas Meadowes to** ** _Why Did They Change the Hosts on Bake-Off:_** ………could be worse

 **Alice:** oh well done Dorcas

 **Mary:** real convincing

 **Marlene:** I can’t do this it’s too hard

 **Lily:** have at it, trust me I k n o w

 **Marlene:** you look like a piece of cotton candy got stuck on the spin cycle

 **Marlene:** you look like the bubblegum princess if she had like loads of issues with internalized misogyny

 **Marlene:** you look like the cover of every baking catalogue from the 1950s but if they tried to be editorial

 **Dorcas:** jesus fuck Marlene

 **Lily:** ok when I said have at it

 **Lily:** NOT WHAT I MEANT

 **Alice:** well your hair and makeup look gorgeous, I know you did those on your own!

 **Lily:** lol my one act of rebellion, thank u for noticing alice

 **Lily:** and to make matters worse

 **Mary:** how could they possibly be worse

 **Lily:** AHEM

 **Mary:** soz not helping ur right

 **Lily:** Emmeline doesn’t have the notes from genetics lecture yesterday so I’m shit out of luck on that front

 **Marlene:** u can’t get them from someone else?

 **Lily:** I don’t know anyone else in the classsss

 **Lily:** other than snape

 **Dorcas:** NO

 **Mary:** NO

 **Lily:** therein lies my problem

 **Marlene:** wait hang on a tick

 **Lily:**?

 **Marlene:** isn’t that the class u have with James Potter

 **Marlene:** I’m sure u can ask him, the man practically offered his body and soul to u on a platter

 **Lily:** ok that is so absolutely not what happened there, thank u

 **Dorcas:** it sort of was

 **Lily:** you 2 are in cahoots, cut it out

 **Dorcas:** no

 **Marlene McKinnon emphasized Dorcas Meadowes’s Message:** _no_

 **Lily:** well

 **Lily:** I mean I guess, he was a bit awkward last time we spoke tho lol

 **Mary:** oh u mean when he directly inserted his foot into his mouth via text

 **Lily:** yep that’d be it

 **Dorcas:** ahahaha thinking about that gives me such joy

 **Lily:** whatever I’ll see if he has any then

 **Mary:** try not to seduce him too much, u vixen u

 **Lily:** u can all shove it

 **Lily:** not u alice

**Lily Evans to James Potter (remus friend):** hi james, it’s lily from genetics

 **Lily:** bit out of the blue I know, but idk if u noticed I wasn’t in lecture yesterday? was wondering if u might have notes from it, Crouch doesn’t post complete lecture slides so it’d take me ages to go through everything from scratch

 **Lily:** if u haven’t got any though no worries!

 **James Potter to Lily Evans (DO NOT FUCK THIS UP JAMES):** oh hey lily!

 **James:** yeah, saw u weren’t there

 **James:** not like I was seeking u out or anything but I did have an exceptional wave planned

 **James:** …which I’ve now ruined for the next time I see u

 **Lily:** hahaha not a worry, I’ll pretend I didn’t read any of this and u can give it another go

 **James:** class, I hope you’re ready for some Olympic-worthy wrist movement

 **Lily:** anything less than podium level and I’ll be well disappointed

 **James:** lily evans, for shame

 **James:** I’ve been training my whole life for this

 **Lily:** ur so right, that was insensitive

 **Lily:** I can’t imagine the stress involved with Competitive Waving

 **Lily:** but is it judged on how long u can keep waving, or simply the force of the wave itself?

 **James:** neither

 **James:** it’s based on how many people u confuse by thinking that ur waving to them but then realizing they don’t know u and looking around to see if someone is behind them

 **Lily:** the intricacies of sport never cease to amaze

 **James:** lol

 **Lily:** so uh, the notes?

 **James:** oh RIGHT yeah the notes

 **James:** absolutely

 **James:** I’ll go uh

 **James:** grab them!

 **Lily:** perfect thank u so much!!

**James Potter to Paddiest of Foot:** I no longer need to find a way to apologize to Lily

 **Sirius Black to Prongsie:** why, did u already text her

 **Sirius:** or did she just have a catastrophic head injury and forget u exist

 **James:** NEITHER TYVM

 **James:** SHE texted ME

 **Sirius:** …oh?

 **James:** for notes from genetics yesterday

 **Sirius** : …oh

 **James:** still a text!!! she apparently Does Not Hate Me

 **Sirius:** right, all well n good

 **Sirius:** slight problem tho

 **Sirius:** u don’t take notes in that class

 **James:** yeah this is where it’s going a bit left

 **Sirius:** so … what r u gunna do then

 **Sirius:** prongs

 **Sirius:** prongs???

 **Sirius:** oh this ought to be good

**Lily Evans to James Potter (remus friend):** …james?

**Lily Evans to James Potter (remus friend):** um hey so if you don’t have the notes that’s fine, but if you could just let me know so I can try and find someone else…?

 **James Potter to Lily Evans (DO NOT FUCK THIS UP JAMES):** no!! got them right here!!

 **James:** _Attachment: 1 Document_

 **James:** so sorry for the delay

 **James:** had some things come up out of the blue

 **James:** but all resolved now, all good

 **Lily:** thank you SO much!! Seriously, I owe u one

 **James:** don’t worry about it, no trouble at all seriously

**Lily Evans to Remus!!:** hey for the sake of ur guilty conscience, I am now a fan of ur friend James

 **Lily:** his notes are SO good

 **Lily:** he even has little funny comments about professor crouch in the footnotes lol I’m dying reading them

 **Lily:** first time I’ve enjoyed reading footnotes in like…. ever

 **Remus Lupin to Lily Evans:** lol ???

 **Lily:** what?

 **Remus:** james doesn’t take notes

 **Remus:** like for any class

 **Lily:** um what

 **Lily:** I’m literally reading his notes rn he sent them to me like an hour ago

 **Remus:** he literally only takes notes in his physiology class cos he has it with Sirius and Sirius sleeps thru it half the time

 **Remus:** he’s a bit of a genius, the prat

 **Remus:** got like a low-key eidetic memory I think, he denies it though

 **Lily:** um

 **Lily:** then why/how did he send me notes?

 **Remus:** uh

 **Remus:** wait

 **Remus:** what class r u in with him again?

 **Lily:** genetics…?

 **Remus:** RIGHT genetics

 **Remus:** I was wrong before, silly of me

 **Remus:** he acc does take notes in that one

 **Remus:** something about the class doesn’t stick with him as well I think

 **Remus:** right yep he takes notes in genetics, never mind me

 **Lily:** ok?????

**Remus Lupin to Prongs:** prongs.

 **James Potter to Moony (ICE):** moony

 **Remus:** tell me u did not reproduce notes for ur genetics lecture

 **Remus:** from memory

 **Remus:** and then type them out and send them to Lily just cos she wasn’t there for class yesterday

 **James:** …

 **Remus:** PRONGS.

 **James:** remus she’s so funny and pretty what was I supposed to DO

 **Remus:** oh my lord

**Lily Evans to James Potter (genetics):** for what it’s worth, I completely agree about prof Crouch’s facial hair

 **Lily:** war crimes DO come in many different shapes and sizes, and who are we to say that his mustache isn’t one?

**James Potter to Paddiest of Foot:** I’m so fucked

 **Sirius Black to Prongsie:** I'm buying noise cancelling headphones

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it, friends! 
> 
> I do believe we may be hearing from a certain Mr. Sn*pe next chapter... ;) something to look forward to.
> 
> ALSO - I MADE A TUMBLR!!! It's @clare-with-no-i (this username was taken, drat) and I'll be posting snippets, answering prompts, and interacting much more over there! So, follow me there for more content! I'd love to be able to talk to you all and generally enjoy the beauty of Jily Tumblr!
> 
> So, other than that, please leave a comment of what you thought, a favorite line, or anything that suits your fancy!
> 
> Until next time! :) <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A footie match is... afoot. Lily and James are caught out in their texting. Severus and That Lot are introduced.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so sorry for the wait!! Enjoy :)
> 
> TW: anti Semitic discourse, be kind to yourself! as a jewish woman it did make me >:( to write

**Sirius Black to Prongsie:** I can hear u laughing from my room

**Sirius:** ur not allowed to laugh

**Sirius:** I’ve explicitly put a cease and desist on ur joy until further notice

**James Potter to Paddiest of Foot:** I’ve told u a hundred times

**James:** I’m not going to let u out of doing sprints just cos ur my best mate

**James:** that’s like… blatant favoritism??

**Sirius:** prongs we were both born into actual aristocracy

**Sirius:** not playing favourites is like an affront to our upbringing

**James:** right cos u publicly denouncing ur entire family and then blasting “Let’s Rock” as u drove away from ur cousin’s wedding wasn’t an affront

**Sirius:** WE’RE NOT TALKING ABOUT ME HERE

**Sirius:** plus I said in my speech that I did not denounce uncle Alphard!!

**James:** ol alphy, what a ledge

**Sirius:** absolute legend I agree

**James:** ur still doing the sprints with the team

**Sirius:** oi FUCK U

**Sirius Black to Prongsie:** wot r u even laughing about

**Sirius:** if it’s a cat video and u haven’t sent it to me I’m denouncing u as well

**James Potter to Paddiest of Foot:** I’m offended u think I would withhold cat videos

**James:** also is THAT all it takes??

**James:** Sirius Black, u fickle man

**Sirius:** deflecting

**James:** not deflecting

**Sirius:** lying

**James:** I don’t like this game

**Sirius:** evading

**James:** GOD FINE

**Sirius:** I am the supreme being, all ye tremble before my truth-gathering ways

**James:** stfu

**James:** lily just sent me a really funny meme ok that’s it

**Sirius:** OHHHH?

**Sirius:** help me I’m being suffocated by the plot, it’s thickening far too quickly—

**James:** fuck

**James:** off

**Sirius:** no <3

**Sirius:** I didn’t know u two were at the ~meme-sharing~ stage of ur relationship, this is all moving so fast Progsie I’m getting whiplash

**James:** aren’t u not supposed to mix metaphors

**James:** isn’t that like a cardinal sin in ur field

**Sirius:** what can I say, I’m a rebel

**Sirius:** ANYWAY

**Sirius:** u two are chatting, huh?

**James:** I mean yeah

**James:** it’s just casual tho

**Sirius:** literally nothing about u as a person is casual

**Sirius:** u are the least casual person I have ever met

**James:** I resent that

**Sirius:** resent whatever u like mate I’m right

**Sirius:** so like……. what do u two talk about then

**James:** none??? of ur business????

**Sirius:** oh cmon u know u want to tell me

**Sirius:** u have been going on about this girl nonstop for a week straight

**Sirius:** there is no actual fathomable way u don’t want to tell me how brilliant u think she is

**James:** …

**James:** GOD PADFOOT SHE’S SO BRILLIANT

**Sirius:** there we are

**James:** I thought she was great before but I didn’t like….. know her at all then?

**James:** she’s so fucking smart

**James:** and driven

**James:** and idk anything about biomedical engineering #kinesiologyforthewin

**Sirius:** interrupting this thread to tell u never 2 text me with hashtags ever again or it’s banishment for u

**James:** #whatever

**Sirius:** ugh

**James:** but srsly idk anything about what she studies but the way she talks about it makes me want to learn

**James:** still unclear what biomechanics are but they seem bloody interesting

**Sirius:** your father is an actual scientist with actual awards in science and u still know this little about the field

**Sirius:** for shame

**James:** that is CHEMISTRY that is DIFFERENT KIND OF PROBABLY

**Sirius:** u bring shame upon ur family

**James:** well that we have in common

**Sirius:** cheers to that

**Sirius:** wait

**Sirius:** remus is in BME as well??? Wtf????

**James:** paddy m8 u know when he talks about his studies my ears start ringing

**James:** his ‘school’ voice is like a Bob Ross tutorial

**James:** instant sleep

**Sirius:** a plague upon ur house for saying Bob Ross is boring

**James:** padfoot we live in the same flat

**Sirius:** a plague upon ur ~room~

**Sirius:** this is all veering into a conversation I don’t care about anymore

**Sirius:** ur hopeless for a good update on drama

**James:** thanks?? I think??

**Sirius:** well I’m off to the library, there are about six Chaucer books I’m due to read for next week that I’ve not started so here’s hoping I get very good at middle English very quickly

**James:** your major terrifies me

**Sirius:** as it should

**James:** stop at the bakery on the way back?

**Sirius:** of course

**James:** bless u

**Sirius:** I never said I’d get YOU anything, u bloody traitor

**James:** how long are u going to hold onto this sprints thing

**Sirius:** how long are u planning to be alive

**James:** fuck’s sake

**Severus Snape to Lily Evans:** Lily, please. Can you stop this and just talk to me? It’s been months. This is getting ridiculous. You know I didn’t mean what I said. It was a slip of the tongue, how long are you going to punish me for that??

**Lily Evans to BLOCKED:** The number you are trying to reach is unavailable. Please contact your mobile provider if you have questions or believe you have been sent this message in error.

**Severus:** Blocking me? Really? Very mature.

**Lily:** The number you are trying to reach is unavailable. Please contact your mobile provider if you have questions or believe you have been sent this message in error.

**Mary MacDonald to Lily (Not of the Valley):** you’ve been smiling at your phone quite a bit haven’t u

**Lily Evans to Mary MacDonald (No Farm):** idk what u mean

**Mary:** ok lol

**Mary:** just tell james I say hi then

**Lily:** alr let’s just calm it down

**Lily:** can’t a girl share a friendly meme with someone without getting the third degree

**Mary:** absolutely not

**Lily:** ugh fair

**Mary:** what’s the shame in saying u like him anyway

**Mary:** he’s an alright sort of bloke, according to Marlene

**Lily:** I don’t like him

**Mary:** ok calm it down junior school

**Mary:** I didn’t mean LiiIiIiiiIKe him, I just mean ~like~ him

**Mary:** u know the diff

**Lily:** listen

**Mary:** love it when u begin text-rants that way

**Mary:** carry on

**Lily:** he sends good memes and is reasonably intelligent

**Lily:** he’s in my class so it’s good to know him for those ace notes

**Mary:** this doesn’t sound like ur disagreeing w me

**Lily:** bUT

**Lily:** idk I just kind of can’t get the whole snape thing out of my head?? Like I think I could be friends with this bloke one minute and then the next I’m like ‘is he just talking to me for a laugh with his mates about the keen girl from genetics’

**Mary:** lily

**Lily:** I knowwww it sounds mad

**Lily:** but people who treat people like that… idk

**Mary:** ok so tbf that was all at the beginning of last year, he was a stupid 18 y/o in his first week at uni

**Mary:** and u of all people know that people can change

**Lily:** yes cos the examples of my sister and s*v*r*s are real indicators of success

**Lily:** people can change but with my luck it’s that they turn into psychopaths

**Lily:** so I suppose it’d be on par for james to declare his intention to kill me and wear my skin as clothes

**Mary:** god you’re a fucking drama queen

**Mary:** but I don’t have time 2 therapize you right now I’ve got antiquated imperial law to study

**Lily:** try not to actually shout at ur professors this time maybe

**Lily:** they themselves cannot be held accountable for the colonization of Scotland

**Mary:** EVERYONE IN ENGLAND CAN BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR THE SIEGE OF MY ANCESTRAL LAND

**Lily:** go easy on me I am a redhead I am basically ur mascot

**Mary:** THAT BARELY COUNTS

**Lily Evans to _Women Against Boris Johnson’s Hairpiece:_** can u all stop sending me online pamphlets for dating sites, please

**Lily:** fuck’s sake I didn’t even know this many existed

**Lily:** also Marly I’m not even IN the military why would u send me one for returned-soldiers-meet.co.uk ?????

**Marlene:** not too late to join I reckon

**Marlene:** find a nice beefy bloke with love of country n all that

**Mary:** conscription for coitus

**Dorcas:** draft for the shaft

**Mary:** enlist for a tryst

**Marlene:** knock some army boots

**Dorcas:** RAF (Railed After Fighting)

**Lily:** gOD

**Mary:** let him show u his weapon

**Dorcas:** let him invade your capital city

**Marlene:** fly the flag at full mast

**Lily:** for the love of christ

**Lily:** NEVERMIND

**Lily:** also and MORE IMPORTANTLY

**Lily:** @ Marly @ Dorcas what time should we get to the pitch

**Marlene:** half four <3 <3 <3 thank u for baking brownies the wee tots will love em

**Dorcas Meadowes emphasized Marlene McKinnon’s Message:** _half four <3 <3 <3 thank u for baking brownies the wee tots will love em_

**Lily:** any time

**Alice:** the charity match will be so fun!!! I’m so excited to watch u girls play

**Dorcas:** yeah fun n all except for the stupid fancy dress

**Mary:** lol

**Mary:** what’s the theme again

**Dorcas:** macdonald I have told u a hundred and fifty fucking times

**Mary:** I just like seeing it typed out <3

**Marlene:** witches and wizards lmfaooo

**Marlene:** girls team are wizards

**Marlene:** boys team are witches

**Marlene:** I think its brill

**Alice:** I love it!!! The kids are going to go crazy, omg

**Dorcas:** yes but no one’s forcing u to wear a long white beard and purple robes

**Lily:** thank god u mentioned this all or I’d have forgotten to bring my camera

**Dorcas:** UGHHHH

**Sirius Black to _The (And, If You Really Must Ask) Marauders:_** I fucking LOVE fancy dress

**Sirius:** good luck getting me to wear normal clothes again m8s this is MINT

**Sirius:** I am PENGGGGGG

**James:** ur nothing of the sort

**Sirius:** all I saw of that was ‘ur’ and ‘sort’ so ta, Prongsie <3

**Remus:** god I knew u were going to be like this the second they announced the theme of the match

**Sirius:** I am MAAGGGIICCCCC

**Peter:** but why are the lads witches and the birds wizards

**Peter:** why not the other way round

**James:** face first into the joke and he misses it

**James:** wormtail my boy it’s just funnier like that, bit of classic clothes swapping comedy

**Sirius:** plus it shows the boys footie team isn’t too stuck in the confines of traditional masculinity as to be afraid to wear long dresses

**Sirius:** isn’t that right prongs

**James:** yes also that part

**Remus:** Sirius, let him take one evolutionary step at a time

**Remus:** he’s only just ascertained that rubbing sticks together makes fire

**James:** sorry how did Peter ask that question and somehow land ME at the butt of the IQ jokes???

**Sirius:** it’s a two for one special!

**James:** whatever

**James:** padfoot you’d better get your arse down to the pitch no later than half two or I’ll have u doing footwork drills with Bertram until your feet bleed

**Sirius:** you WOULDN’T DARE

**Sirius:** not with BERTY

**James:** fuckin try me

**Remus Lupin to Prongs:** why did u tell him half two the match isn’t till five

**Remus:** are u all warming up that early for a charity match against the girls team???

**James Potter to Moony (ICE):** if I tell him half two he’ll show up at four

**Remus:** …

**Remus:** how did I not think of that

**Lily Evans to Remus!!:** remus!! I’m over at the northeast corner!! I see u and Peter, come say hi! :)

**Lily:** I’m selling brownies for the kids’ school supplies

**Remus Lupin to Lily Evans:** That’s great! Peter and I will be right over!!

**Remus Lupin to Padfoot:** Lily Evans is here, don’t tell James yet

**Remus:** he’ll never put his costume on

**Sirius Black to Moonerz:** I knew I’d done something good in a past life

**Sirius:** this is my karmic payout

**Remus:** stop enjoying this

**Sirius:** no <3

**James Potter to Paddiest of Foot:** oh my god is that

**Sirius Black to Prongsie:** yes

**James:** I am in. A DRESS

**Sirius:** and if she is at all enlightened she will find u just as attractive

**Marlene McKinnon to Dorcas** **(** **◡̀** **_** **◡́҂** **):** Oh my god look at Potter and Black

**Dorcas Meadowes to Co-Captain Arsehole:** they look like twats

**Dorcas:** Black is enjoying this far too much

**Marlene:** Potter looks like he’s about to shit himself

**Marlene:** is he…

**Marlene:** does he keep looking at LILY??

**Dorcas:** well I hardly think he’s drooling at the brownies

**Marlene:** AHAHAHAHA BRILL

**Marlene:** I LOVE CHARITY

**Dorcas:** that feels cognitively dissonant

**Lucius Malfoy to _Keep Hogwarts University Clean:_** _Attachment: 1 Image_

**Lucius:** fucking typical, a jew would choose something as pure as a charity match to peddle food for profit. This school is going to the fucking dogs.

**Mulciber:** I know her. loudmouth bitch. heard she’s from cokeworth, probably hasn’t got a dime to her own name so she’s using the charity as an excuse to get paid

**Bellatrix:** smarmy bint

**Bellatrix:** and look who she’s taking to – probably trying to seduce him into giving her his family money

**Rabastan:** who is that?

**Mulciber:** james potter

**Rabastan:** as in, fleamont potter? the potter fortune?

**Mulciber:** yes.

**Rabastan:** can’t have him sinking so low, then. I’ll be sure to send him a flyer. he needs to keep himself and his bloodline safe.

**Bellatrix:** could not agree more, Rabastan.

**Narcissa:** Cokeworth? Severus, you must know her then?

**Severus:** I knew who she was, but I didn’t associate with people like her. You ought to know that, Narcissa.

**Lucius:** quite right, Severus. And we’ll make sure you don’t have to at university, either.

**Bellatrix Black liked Lucius Malfoy’s Message:** _quite right, Severus. And we’ll make sure you don’t have to at university, either._

**Severus Snape to Lily Evans:** James Potter, Lily? After everything he put me through? I never took you for a liar, but I suppose you’re no better than the rest of the girls that just fawn over him for nothing but his existence. I expected better of you.

**Lily Evans to BLOCKED:** The number you are trying to reach is unavailable. Please contact your mobile provider if you have questions or believe you have been sent this message in error.

**James Potter to Lily Queen of Meme:** it was so great to see you today at the match!

**James:** apologies for the outfit

**James:** not that there’s anything wrong with wearing dresses

**James:** men and women, I mean

**James:** Sirius says I’m unenlightened but honestly I think it’s great either way, yknow

**Lily Evans to James Potter (cat meme fanatic??):** how are u just as panicky over text as u are in person

**Lily:** you’d think with time to actually think through what you’re saying, you’d have better luck

**James:** you’d certainly think, wouldn’t you

**Lily:** anyway it was nice to see you too!

**Lily:** no apologies necessary for the costume

**Lily:** for what it’s worth, I think you make a very dashing witch

**James:** would you say I ~cast a spell on you~?

**Lily:** oh my god

**James:** or you feel

**Lily:** please do not

**James:** ~bewitched~?

**Lily:** why did I save your number

**Lily:** also you didn’t have to buy out the bakery stand today oh my god

**Lily:** that is enough brownie to feed a small army

**James:** it was for a good cause!

**James:** and my flatmates go on about your baking so much, I had to see if it was up to snuff

**James:** I’m sure you can understand

**Lily:** and the verdict, Paul Hollywood?

**James:** first of all, I am much more Mary Berry than Paul, tyvm

**James:** second

**James:** delightful and award-worthy, but I am not the least bit surprised

**James:** I know a good baker when I see one ;)

**Dorcas Meadowes to Fav Ginge:** can you stop giggling please it’s giving me a headache

**Lily Evans to Dorcas (retired posh):** u have a headache cos u ran full speed at Sirius Black and headbutted him two minutes before the end of the game

**Dorcas:** hardly worthy of a red card I think

**Lily:** it was? A children’s charity match??

**Dorcas:** he’s a twat

**Sirius Black to Moonerz:** mppny wherr is out adviil

**Sirius:** Im thping with mt eyed closes

**Sirius:** my fuckign head hurta

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed
> 
> If you follow me on Tumblr (shameless plug!!! My username is clare-with-no-i go say hi over there!) you know that I just announced the upcoming release of my biggest undertaking to date, my 6th/7th year Marauders Era story, "Bond and Free"! I've been absorbed in that world and got too sucked in, hence the delay for this!
> 
> Also this story was nominated for a Jily Award!! I'm SO GRATEFUL!!!!! Thank you to whoever nominated it and generally to my readers, I love you all! <3 interacting with you makes my days so bright!
> 
> Drop a comment, tell me your favorite line, or just say hi! I'd love to hear from you :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James fumbles but then picks himself back up. Sneep rhymes with Creep. Euphemia and Fleamont make their first appearances! and some unpleasantness is brewing...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all for your patience <3 <3 <3 I am so sorry. this has taken me far too long. but I love you all and I'm so thankful you've stuck with me!
> 
> ALSO: TW for Nazism discussed, although mostly in an exclusively negative sense, but they do talk at the end. If this is triggering, please skip both the Marauders chat and the bit that begins with Alecto Carrow. again - it's not fun to mention them as a Jewish woman, but that's literally what the death eaters were so... ahem.
> 
> enjoy!

**Remus Lupin to Prongs:** for the love of god I am disconnecting the playstation

 **James Potter to Moony (ICE):** do not you DARE

 **Remus:** did you even SLEEP LAST NIGHT?

 **Remus:** did Sirius?????

 **James:** WE NEEDED TO FINISH UNCHARTED

 **James:** I NEED TO BE NATHAN DRAKE

 **James:** DOES ANYBODY KNOW WHERE I CAN LEARN PARKOUR BECAUSE AT PRESENT I AM VERY INFLEXIBLE AND INCAPABLE OF MOMENTUM

 **Remus:** why did you say ‘anybody’ this isn’t a group chat

 **Remus:** it’s just me???

 **James:** is it? I cannot see

 **Remus:** how many cups of coffee, james

 **James:** upwards of four but somewhere below twelve

 **James:** there are numbers between four and twelve right

 **Remus:** I do not understand how you are alive

 **James:** well the answer is simple Moonpie

 **Remus:** please do not call me Moonpie

 **James:** Moonpie please, this is serious

 **James:** wait lol no this is remus

 **James:** I mean you’re remus

 **James:** anyway

 **Remus:** I’m having you committed

 **James:** speaking of committed

 **James:** that is the very reason I’m able to be awake right now I’ll have you know Moonpie

 **Remus:** involuntary admittance into a psychiatric facility?

 **James:** no

 **James:** my sheer commitment and willpower to seeing my beloved

 **James:** we have lecture together today

 **James:** it’s the only thing keeping me going

 **Remus:** I regret introducing you

 **James:** to lily????

 **Remus:** no to me

**Lily Evans to James Potter (cat meme fanatic?):** oh my god I cannot thank you enough for the coffee

 **Lily:** like

 **Lily:** I don’t have the vocabulary to express my thanks

 **Lily:** I think u saved my life

 **James Potter to Lily Queen of Meme:** it was no problem!! Really

 **James:** I was already going to get some anyway

 **Lily:** I have a question and I require full honesty

 **James:** ?

 **Lily:** are you a telepath and if so what am I thinking right now

 **James:** LOL

 **Lily:** seriously how did you know I was going to be a zombie

 **Lily:** /am/ a zombie?

 **Lily:** will get back to u once I research if zombies can be brought back to life

 **James:** I am not a telepath I promise

 **James:** remus mentioned you’ve been in the library every day for like,,, fifteen hours a day so I figured caffeine might help

 **James:** which also

 **James:** are u ok

 **Lily:** lol no but ty for asking

 **Lily:** I’m doing the extra credit genetics project and it’s absolutely murdering me

 **James:** you elected to do that?? Christ

 **James:** I’m just submitting the write-up of the midterm, holy shit

 **James:** that’s well impressive

 **Lily:** this all mostly stems from the fact that I’m an idiot who enjoys torturing myself

 **James:** probably not an idiot if Crouch approved ur project project when ur not even studying genetics as ur focus

 **Lily:** lol

 **James:** what’s it about, if u don’t mind me asking?

 **Lily:** it’s sort of a lot

 **Lily:** it has to do with genetic engineering and the place of gene editing in stem cell research

 **Lily:** my BME concentration is prosthesis and amputation, so stem cell work is something we encounter a lot with skin and organ regrowth

 **James:** jesus

 **James:** that sounds incredible

 **James:** and here I just wanted to take a bullshit class for my distribution requirements

 **James:** dad being a scientist and all this one seemed the simplest option lol

 **James:** I mean that midterm lmfao I think I finished in like 20 mins fuckin crouch

 **Lily:** yeah I remember u did

 **Lily:** i studied for that for a week actually

 **Lily:** and I don’t actually think this class is bullshit

 **Lily:** it can be really important in understanding human behavior

 **Lily:** and furthering the sciences

 **James:** wait

 **James:** lily wait

 **Lily:** but yeah I mean congrats on the midterm

 **James:** fuck lily I absolutely did NOT mean that

 **James:** I’m just reading it back and I swear I did not mean that

 **Lily:** I’ve gotta go I’ve got lecture

 **Lily:** you’d probably think it was boring

 **James:** lily wait wait wait no

 **James:** lily please I promise you that is so not what I meant

 **James:** lily???

**Lily Evans to Dorcas (retired posh):** MEN ARE ARSEHOLES

 **Dorcas to Fav Ginge:** yes I am aware

 **Dorcas:** that’s why I don’t date them

 **Dorcas:** well

 **Dorcas:** among other reasons

 **Lily:** FUCKING HELL

 **Lily:** WOMEN ARE SO SMART WHY DO MEN GET MORE JOBS AND PAID MORE LIKE WE’RE STILL LIVING IN THE SEVENTEENTH BLEEDING CENTURY

 **Dorcas:** I appreciate this energy but this feels specific

 **Dorcas:** anything u want to talk about babes

 **Lily:** I AM SO MAD THAT MEN EXIST

 **Dorcas:** alr then

 **Dorcas:** hear hear!

 **Lily:** AND GENETICS IS A VALID SUBDISCIPLINE OF SCIENCE OKAY

 **Dorcas:** ……….. hear hear?

**James Potter to Moony (ICE):** god I really know how to stick my foot in it, don’t I

 **Remus Lupin to Prongs:** don’t elaborate any further, because I really do not want to know

 **Remus:** but yes absolutely

 **Remus:** it’s like you make a profession of it

 **James:** honestly it was stupid of me to text you for consoling

 **Remus:** it was

 **Remus:** if you’re looking for blind devotion and support, I’d text Sirius

 **James:** but he’ll take the piss first

 **Remus:** there are some things that are inevitable, james

 **Remus:** but would you rather hear it from me or Sirius

 **James:** no cos you’ll tease me in an accurate way

 **James:** I cannot handle that at present

 **Remus:** exactly

**James Potter to Paddiest of Foot:** I can sometimes be an idiot

 **Sirius Black to Prongsie:** well shit I left my notary in my other pants

 **Sirius:** or else I’d be documenting this moment

 **James:** ugh

 **Sirius:** now now prongsie just have a lie down and tell me what’s wrong

 **James:** we’re in separate buildings

 **Sirius:** was worth a shot

 **James:**????

 **Sirius:** but srsly what happened

 **Sirius:** I’m guessing u didn’t just… come into an epiphany

 **James:** _Attachment: 1 Image_

 **Sirius:** prongs

 **James:** I know

 **Sirius:** PRONGS.

 **James:** I KNOW

 **James:** I didn’t mean it padfoot I swear

 **Sirius:** I know u didn’t bb

 **James:** I don’t know what to dooooooo

 **Sirius:** well u have to apologize

 **Sirius:** firstly

 **James:** yeah Paddy got that part

 **Sirius:** but in a meaningful way, Prongs. like really think about why what u said was so shit

 **Sirius:** because it was, u know

 **Sirius:** shit

 **James:** yes I am well aware

 **Sirius:** and then u have to give a gesture of good faith

 **James:** isn’t that what they do in hostage movies ????

 **Sirius:** irrelevant

 **Sirius:** u need to show her ur trustworthy and not a complete prick at all times

 **Sirius:** reveal something important to u or something

 **Sirius:** and I don’t mean ur knob

 **James:** YEAH WASN’T GOING TO DO THAT, CHEERS

 **Sirius:** just making sure

 **Sirius:** now go forth, young padawan

 **Sirius:** repent

 **James:** god I hate when you’re right about things

 **Sirius:** I know <3

**James Potter to Lily Queen of Meme:** I am quite adept at sticking my foot directly into my mouth

 **Lily Evans to James Potter (cat meme fanatic?):** this is either a very shoddy apology or an unexpected advert for your flexibility

 **Lily:** can’t tell which one is worse

 **James:** the first one

 **James:** wait no I don’t mean the first one is worse

 **James:** I mean this is the first one

 **James:** so the second one is worse

 **Lily:** this is going really well, don’t u think

 **Lily:** as far as apologies go

 **James:** but wait! there’s more!

 **Lily:** oh god

 **James:** that was some stupid shit I said

 **Lily:** I agree

 **James:** and it was devaluing to both the class we’re in and an entire field of science, which is Not Cool

 **James:** and I am really sorry about it, because I’m still working on taking things seriously that aren’t in my immediate interests

 **James:** which is a byproduct of the fact that I grew up with pretty much every privilege imaginable

 **James:** but is very narrow-minded on my part

 **James:** but mostly I’m just really, really sorry

 **Lily:** wow

 **Lily:** james, thank you for saying that

 **Lily:** honestly I do forgive you, it was dumb but it isn’t a big deal

 **James:** so by way of penance

 **Lily:** james it’s really fine

 **James:** no

 **Lily:**??????

 **James:** I am going to reveal to you one of the marauders’ best kept secrets

 **Lily:** who in the actual ever living fuck are the marauders

 **James:** ok I’ll explain that part later

 **James:** but I am going to show you the best, most underground, most divine bakery

 **James:** in existence

 **Lily:** how on earth am I supposed to respond to this

 **James:** trust me

 **James:** when you try a croissant

 **James:** you’ll understand

 **Lily:** is there anything in your life that you react to like a normal person and not like a court jester

 **James:** I resent that

 **James:** but I’ll allow it on the grounds that you are still sitting in the fresh snow of your ignorance

 **James:** upon which I am about to trample with knowledge

 **Lily:** I’m not entirely sure that’s not a David Mitchell quote

 **James:** that’s neither here nor there

 **James:** but

 **James:** after lecture tomorrow? Will you allow me to tilt your entire world on its axes via pastry?

 **Lily:** only if you promise not to phrase anything like that ever…. /ever/ again

 **James:** deal

 **James:** :)

**James Potter to _The (And, Without Further Ado…) Marauders:_** m8s look at this ridiculous fuckin email I just got

 **James:** _Attachment: 1 Image_

 **Remus:** is …

 **Remus:** did u just get recruited by a neo nazi club

 **Sirius:** BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 **Sirius:** yknow if u would just listen to me and wear nail polish like I told u to these things wouldn’t happen

 **Peter:** are we sure this is a neo nazi group????

 **Sirius:** gee pete idk, maybe the name of it being “keep Hogwarts university clean” and the qualifications for entering being “be white” and “be christian” might tip u off

 **Peter:** yeah nvm

 **Peter:** dodgy

 **James:** yEAH

 **James:** also Sirius isn’t this ur cousin’s boyfriend………

 **Sirius:** good ol’ basty

 **Sirius:** really living up to the Black family legacy, sending out mass emails to recruit for the third reich

 **Sirius:** he’ll fit right in at Christmas

 **Remus:** this doesn’t look like a mass email tho, unless it’s bcc’d

 **Sirius:** isn’t that the time before calendars were made

 **James:** what

 **Peter:** what

 **Remus:** oh my god that’s BCE

 **Remus:** how have you lived this long

 **Sirius:** probably because we’ve got calendars around to measure it

 **Remus:** that literally does not make any sense

 **Sirius:** deal w it m8888888

 **James:** remus

 **James:** are u saying that someone literally pinpointed me to receive a recruitment email from a white nationalist group

 **James:** is that what ur saying

 **Sirius:** please let that be what you’re saying

 **Sirius:** I haven’t had this good a laugh in weeks

 **Remus:** I mean it looks like it

 **Remus:** it seems sort of personalized

 **Sirius:** THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFE

 **James:** I am going to vomit

 **Sirius:** JAMES LOOKS LIKE A NAZI TWAT

 **Sirius:** SPREAD THE WORD

 **James:** SPREAD /NO/ WORD

 **James:** ABSOLUTELY NO WORD

 **Remus:** james what did u do, like

 **James:** I HAVEN’T DONE ANYTHING

 **Sirius:** JAMES LOOKS LIKE A NAZI TWAT

 **Sirius:** JAMES LOOKS LIKE A NAZI TWAAAAAAT

 **James:** I will block you.

 **Peter:** ur not joining tho right

 **James:** for FUCKS sake OF COURSE NOT

 **James:** I’M MUTING THIS I’M GOING TO BED GOODNIGHT YOU’RE ALL FUCKING WANKERS AND I DISLIKE ALL OF YOU

 **Sirius:** ok but on a more serious note

 **Sirius:** (heh)

 **Remus:** ffs

 **Sirius:** how do we literally dismantle this group and make them all wish they had never been born

 **Sirius:** I want to destroy them

 **Sirius:** I fucking hate nazis

 **James Potter emphasized Sirius Black’s Message:** _I fucking hate nazis_

 **Remus Lupin emphasized Sirius Black’s Message:** _I fucking hate nazis_

 **Peter Pettigrew emphasized Sirius Black’s Message:** _I fucking hate nazis_

 **James:** hm hadn’t thought about that

 **James:** was more in the panicking stage

 **Peter:** understandable

 **James:** although I steadfastly agree re: nazis, can’t stand em

 **Remus:** me too lads absolutely detest nazis myself

 **Peter:** hate them

 **Remus:** but can’t we just… report them to the dean

 **James:** don’t think they’re a registered club so it’s not under his jurisdiction to force them to cease and desist

 **Remus:** Barrister Euphemia strikes again

 **Sirius:** so what you’re saying is

 **Sirius:** we slash their tires and put sugar in their petrol tanks

 **Remus:** no??

 **Sirius:** we set a series of small fires

 **Remus:** nO?????

 **Sirius:** we sign them up for countless different paid subscription services like Cat Fancy and Essential Oils of the Month and then book all available study rooms that they use and then use my family connections to somehow slowly undermine them without anyone knowing it’s us

 **Remus:** NO

 **Remus:** oh wait

 **Remus:** tbh that one is fine

 **Sirius:** knew we’d get there in the end

 **James:** well my boys

 **James:** I think we have an accord

 **Sirius:** oh, I am IN

 **Peter:** me too

 **Remus:** hindering nazi activity is an extracurricular I can give my blessing to, so

 **Remus:** I’m in as well

 **James:** SOUND

**Marlene McKinnon to Lilybean:** do my eyes deceive me

 **Lily Evans to Marlene the Dancing Queen:** like, in general

 **Lily:** not sure I can answer that for u

 **Lily:** are u like… hallucinating or something

 **Lily:** this is a very existential question to ask at 10:30 in the morning

 **Marlene:** how in the fuck do you type so fast

 **Marlene:** shut up and let me FINISH

 **Marlene:** do my eyes deceive me

 **Marlene: /** or/

 **Marlene:** do I see u walking across the quad with JAMES POTTER

 **Lily:** you still haven’t answered me about the hallucination thing

 **Marlene:** snark will get you nowhere

 **Marlene:** now answer the question or I’m letting Dorcas force u into taking a wheatgrass shot with us

 **Lily:** GOD NO

 **Marlene:** well?? You two WALK TOGETHER now?

 **Lily:** the term ‘together’ is so binary, don’t u think

 **Lily:** like, we are definitely walking adjacent to each other

 **Marlene:** h a HAHA HA

 **Lily:** but

 **Marlene:** NO BUTS

 **Marlene:** unless ur referring to James Potter’s butt

 **Marlene:** and how u definitely want to touch it

 **Marlene:** u magnificent enchantress

 **Lily:** MARLYYYYY

 **Lily:** shut UP

 **Marlene:** not like he can hear me, christ

 **Marlene:** I love that this is happening

 **Lily:** he’s just showing me a bakery he likes ok!!! this is Not a big deal

 **Marlene:**!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **Marlene:** this is the definition of a Big Deal

 **Marlene:** in fact I just looked it up and Merriam Webster has Boys Showing You Bakeries under the phrase ‘big deal’

 **Lily:** that barely made sense

 **Marlene:** DOESN’T MATTER BABES I’M RIGHT

 **Lily:** please don’t text the group about this

 **Marlene:** I WON’T

**Marlene McKinnon created a new group chat**

**Marlene McKinnon added _Mary Queen of Scots, Dorcas_** **(** **◡̀** **_** **◡́҂** **)** **, _and Alice <3_.**

**Marlene McKinnon named the chat: _LILY EVANS FANCIES JAMES PASS IT ON_**

**Mary MacDonald to _LILY EVANS FANCIES JAMES PASS IT ON:_ **Marly what is this

 **Dorcas:** is this chat just a vehicle for us to say things we already know

 **Dorcas:** head’s up everyone, the sky is blue

 **Alice:** omg marlene did you make a new group chat with us just to talk about Lily???

 **Marlene:** well she said I couldn’t text the group chat!!

 **Marlene:** I assume she just meant the one she’s in

 **Dorcas:** you’re an insane person

 **Alice:** omg

 **Mary:** wait what did u have to text us

 **Marlene:** don’t feel like typing again here u go

 **Marlene:** _Attachment: 1 Image_

 **Dorcas:** A BAKERY

 **Mary:** A BAKERY!!!!!!!

 **Marlene:** isn’t this just madness

 **Alice:** I’ll def agree that there is madness going on but I think it’s more this group chat

 **Marlene:** ALICE I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR YOU TO BE SASSY RN

 **Dorcas:** no no…….. she’s got a point

 **Mary:** lmaoooo

 **Marlene:** this is just so massive

 **Marlene:** they would be so fucking cute together and do not for a moMENT tell me you disagree

 **Dorcas:** ok hang on a tic

 **Marlene:** DORKY AFTER I JUST FUCKING SAID THAT

 **Dorcas:** listen. I hate to be the realist here and all

 **Mary:** then don’t and live in candyland like Marly

 **Marlene:** fuck off <3

 **Mary:** no <3

 **Dorcas:** BUT

 **Dorcas:** I’m just gonna put it out there that lily’s got some maaaaaajor fuckin trust issues she’s gotta work through

 **Dorcas:** and james is great n all but he can be…. really immature

 **Dorcas:** so I hope he gets his fucking act together let me tell u THAT

 **Alice:** I think that’s a really good point, Dorcas

 **Marlene:** ugh u just hate to hear it

 **Marlene:** but I agree…..

 **Mary:** ugh same ig

 **Alice:** but whatever happens we’ll be here for her and we’ll show her that we’re in it for the long haul, boys or no boys

 **Marlene McKinnon emphasized Alice Fortescue’s Message:** _but whatever happens we’ll be here for her and we’ll show her that we’re in it for the long haul, boys or no boys_

 **Dorcas Meadowes emphasized Alice Fortescue’s Message:** _but whatever happens we’ll be here for her and we’ll show her that we’re in it for the long haul, boys or no boys_

 **Mary MacDonald emphasized Alice Fortescue’s Message:** _but whatever happens we’ll be here for her and we’ll show her that we’re in it for the long haul, boys or no boys_

 **Mary:** amen!

**Mary MacDonald to Lily (Not of the Valley):** so how was ur bakery run miss I’m-wearing-my-best-skirt-for-no-reason-today

 **Lily Evans to Mary MacDonald (No Farm):** ur all crazy people

 **Lily:** and if u think I put on an article of clothing for a man’s attention

 **Lily:** ur sorely mistaken

 **Mary:** fair play

 **Mary:** buuuuuuut

 **Lily:** but it was nice and he is possibly a nice person and that is all!

 **Mary:** mmmhmmmmm

**Marlene McKinnon to _Did That Girl on Love Island Really Not Know What a Country Is:_ **holy fuck Lils I heard the shouting from across the hall

 **Marlene:** what the fuck happened ?? are u ok

 **Dorcas:** same I heard you screaming from the shower

 **Dorcas:** do I need to,,, murder someone

 **Mary:** my uncle Jamie can make someone disappear

 **Alice:** what’s going on???

 **Lily:** UUGGGGHHHHHH

 **Dorcas Meadowes emphasized Alice Fortescue’s Message:** _what’s going on???_

 **Lily:** fuckin snape just showed up aT OUR DOORSTEP

 **Lily:** WHILE I WAS ALREADY STRESS BAKING

 **Mary:** cue the next batch of biscuits

 **Marlene:** what the FUCK why did he do that???

 **Dorcas:** I’ll tear his fuckin head off

 **Alice:** I will give u an alibi

 **Alice:** not much of a fighter myself

 **Marlene:** alice I love u

 **Dorcas:** so like what did he say

 **Lily:** god so much fucking shit

 **Lily:** like where do I even begin

 **Marlene:** least to most offensive ?

 **Dorcas:** things that would indict him in a court of law

 **Mary:** unless u recorded it that would be conjecture :/

 **Dorcas:** not now mary keep your logic to yourself

 **Lily:** he just spewed all of this shit about me needing to ‘keep my head down’

 **Lily:** whatever the absolute lawn-bowling fuck that means

 **Marlene:** w hat

 **Lily:** and god the shit he said about james

 **Lily:** of all fucking people

 **Dorcas:**?????

 **Mary MacDonald emphasized Dorcas Meadowes’s Message:** _?????_

 **Lily:** he kept talking about how he doesn’t take anything academic seriously and he cheats on everything and he’s just tricking me into thinking he’s alright

 **Lily:** like I thought he was about to blow a gasket

 **Lily:** the fucking bellend

 **Dorcas:** ok wait

 **Dorcas:** to be fair

 **Dorcas:** he has like one molecule of a point

 **Lily:**???

 **Alice:**???

 **Marlene:** um Dorcas what

 **Mary:** Dorcas, meet deep end. Deep end, meet Dorcas. She’s about to careen off of you at high speeds.

 **Dorcas:** alright listen u drama queens

 **Dorcas:** u know I really do like James and all

 **Dorcas:** for a Posh™

 **Dorcas:** but he does have a reputation of literally taking no classes seriously

 **Dorcas:** I mean lily, didn’t he just say some shit to u earlier to that effect

 **Lily:** I mean yeah but he did apologize

 **Mary:** yeah listen I don’t want to give credence to anything that Snape says, literally ever in my entire life

 **Marlene:** preach sis

 **Mary:** but James is literally filthy rich lol his dad invented Sleakeazy on top of his old money fortune… he could drop out right now and still have a job and a massive fuckin trust fund

 **Lily:** fucking hell what’s it like

 **Mary:** fuckin beats me

 **Alice:** while I do think this is all true, I want to make sure we’re really giving him a chance here. I mean he’s slipped up and all but it seems like he genuinely is a nice person and he really cares about Lily!

 **Lily:** whoa whoa whoa WHOOOAA

 **Lily:** let’s just not jump into anything rn

 **Lily:** cares about me?????

 **Lily:** listen

 **Marlene:** I can feel u spiralling from my room

 **Lily:** we’re not even anything ok? there’s nothing going on, I mean it was ridiculous for sev to even bring him up

 **Lily:** I went to a bakery with him ONCE

 **Lily:** we’re like barely friends!!!

 **Mary:** update the Law building is also experiencing severe spiraling by proxy

 **Mary:** someone stop her before she sends us all into a vortex of panic attack

 **Dorcas:** lily just breathe babe

 **Alice:** Lily I really didn’t mean anything by that!! If you guys are just friends then you’re friends! Or acquaintances!! I just mean he seems genuine is all, I swear

 **Lily:** I just

 **Lily:** needed to make that clear ok

 **Lily:** we’re really just sort-of-maybe-friends

 **Dorcas:** whatever you say girl we completely believe you

 **Mary:** 100%

 **Marlene:** of course

 **Alice:** absolutely

 **Lily:** ok thanks

 **Lily:** listen I’m gonna take a nap really quick ok I’ve barely had time to sleep with this project

 **Lily:** so much is riding on this ugh I’m just v stressed

 **Alice:** Mary and I will make some soup tonight for dinner, right Mary?

 **Mary:** yeah defo, I’ll pick up stuff from Asda

 **Mary:** just relax and sleep for a little while bb u have earned it

 **Lily:** thanks love u lot

 **Dorcas:** love u too, and I’m stealing a cricket bat from the equipment lockup to keep by the door <3

**Euphemia Potter to _Family Group Chat:_** James, this girl sounds wonderful—and what an incredible project she’s working on!

 **Euphemia:** you must bring her over for tea soon

 **Fleamont:** you’ve certainly never expressed such an interest in my work before, of that I am painfully sure

 **Euphemia:** hush, Fleamont

 **James:** are you two not sitting in the same room, like

 **James:** & of course I asked her about her project

 **James:** I need to show her I care about her interests

 **James:** because I do!!! I am just stupid at times

 **Euphemia:** yes, you are

 **Euphemia:** and you’re very lucky she even deigned to show you such an impressive project outline after you acted like an unmitigated arse

 **James:** MUM

 **Fleamont:** she’s right, you know

 **James:** you just have to say that

 **Euphemia:** of course he does, because I always am

 **Fleamont:** I refuse to respond to that

 **Euphemia:** you just let us know what nights work for her and we’ll make a lovely roast xx

 **James:** we may be jumping a bit ahead of ourselves here I must admit

 **Euphemia:** nonsense

 **Euphemia:** lord knows she must find you to have dubious character at best

 **James:** ouch ????

 **Euphemia:** so we’ve got to make sure she knows that you’re not encouraged to be this way

 **Euphemia:** and that it actually happened in spite of us

 **James:** I’m going to mute my phone now because I have exams that I must study for coming up in some number of months

 **James:** probably

 **James:** I’m sure they’ll be happening at some point

 **Euphemia:** whatever you say, dear

 **Euphemia:** tell Sirius to come home soon and pick up his dry cleaning!

 **James:** can’t you text him??

 **Fleamont:** James.

 **James:** right sorry

 **James:** stupid of me, really

 **James:** of course I will, mum

 **Euphemia:** that’s what I like to hear <3

**Alecto Carrow to Severus:** that girl you know from cokeworth

 **Alecto:** she’s very trusting to just leave her laptop out in the library while she uses the loo

 **Alecto:** lucky for us

 **Severus Snape to Carrow:** what did you do, Alecto.

 **Severus:** did you steal her laptop? A bit obvious and traceable, don’t you think?

 **Alecto:** of course not

 **Alecto:** don’t worry, Severus. You’ll see.

 **Severus:** you’d better fucking tell me, Alecto

 **Severus:** Alecto??

**Severus Snape to Lily Evans:** Lily, listen—I know you’re angry with me for showing up to your house, I get it, but you need to be careful. I’m not sure what they have planned or what it’s got to do with you, but I have reason to believe that something on your laptop is involved now. I’m trying to warn you, alright? Will you please just talk to me?

 **Lily Evans to BLOCKED:** The number you are trying to reach is unavailable. Please contact your mobile provider if you have questions or believe you have been sent this message in error.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading <3 come say hi on Tumblr! @clare-with-no-i !
> 
> have a lovely day everyone, and leave a comment if you so wish! I love love love to read and respond to them.
> 
> until next time, my loves!


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